A moment of freak out

The summer's always seem to fly by so this one was no different from the past. My life has a completely different feel to it when the two boys are home as oppose to when its just the two girls and I. This school year was different for me in that Justus started Jr. High. I have really tried to hold onto every moment with my beautiful son. The moment I saw his sweet face and looked into his Gigantic, alert eyes on March 29, 1998 at 12:28am, I was smitten for life! 
I was nineteen and had no idea what to expect or what I was doing, so I took one moment at a time, poured my heart into him, and begged God to help me take care of this Lil man. God was so faithful to send family and friends just at the right times. There are so many things I would do differently in retrospect, but I just pray Gods grace is sufficient in my weaknesses. I celebrate in humility the things I did right, knowing it was Gods guidance and voice I was heading to in those moments. 
God has used (and will continue to use) this 12 year old boy in my life. In the first few years of his life there were days I didn't want to get out of bed, but his sweet, loving, and happy voice saying, "Hi Mommy!" pulled me out every day. His adventurous spirit pulled me outside every day to enjoy the sunshine and join his imaginary world.
As all my friends were away at school and enjoying their new adult freedoms that come after 18, I was enjoying the hugs & kisses of a little boy who I took "everywhere" with me. I was learning how to be a mom through reality when all of my peers were learning through text books.
When you are a single mom for 7.5 years, you really bond & have a different kind of relationship than you do in a two parent family structure.
I still remember dropping him off to kindergarten & he cried every time I left the first two weeks. It was so hard for him to adjust to all these children, a long day, and no mommy. I would always assure him that he could do it and I knew he had what it took to make it through the day.He made it and persevered to make it successfully through the rest of his elementary years.


I dropped Justus off this week feeling excited & anxious for his first day of 7yh grade. I stayed an extra 15 min. just in case he freaked out like in kindergarten. Just in case he needed me, so I could be there for him, so I could assure him that he could do it and I knew he had what it took to make it through the day.  I drove off smiling & teary eyed when all the last kids were gone and I knew he had made it to his first class just fine. No matter how old they get...your still mom:)
I picked him up & was relieved to hear that he made it to all his classes (on time too), met friends, and had a great day! There was just a little silence in between all his stories and details (this is rare from a 12 yr. old boy). Then he said, " Mom....I had a freak out moment today (I am tearing up just writing this)". Me, "Oh really, what happened. Justus, "I was feeling great when I got out of the car, and then I turned the corner to the locker hall and saw all these kids everywhere and kaos. I was expecting there to be like 5 kids in the hall and there were like 100, and I started freaking out & I wanted to run back to you and say, Mom please come with me..... But, I told myself I can do this & I did! " 
The world stopped to me and I thoughts got the best of me. I told him that I was proud of him & that I waited just in case he came back...then I started thinking.
How sad he was OK with out me, and didn't need me to go with him.
 Then I thought a little bit more.
Isn't that part of parenting? For 12 years I have been doing my part to equip him & prepare him for these "freak out" moments. He is no longer 5, and he needs to grow to be independent of me. Eventually, 100% independent of me. 
Don't get me wrong....I know I'm not done yet, and I know he still needs me. But, it was a proud/sad moment when I realized he didn't need me in that moment...he made it with out me....sigh.


There will be many more freak out moments in life for him, but I pray that he leans on God and is confident that God will give him what he needs & he can rise to any challenge.